Setting intention has never been one of my strong suits. I have always found myself unconsciously in the passive role of letting things come to me of their own accord. No doubt, I have found great value in my inherent ability to accept things as they are without worry, but I have also realized that in doing so, at least for me, there lies the glaring absence of asking for what you need.
Many yoga classes begin with the setting of intention. A moment of silence where you ask yourself what you need or what your motivations are for coming to practice, and then setting the intention of moving forward with pursuing answers to those questions. Even in writing this, finding the words to articulate ‘setting intention’ eludes me somewhat and admittedly, at those moments in class I would most often go quiet inside, happy to just sit with whatever came up, knowing the universe would always provide me with whatever it was I needed.
Interestingly, when my back problems forced me to sideline the yoga practice I was used to, and the yoga of meditation took its prominent place in my life, I suddenly and unwittingly found myself filled with intention. I wanted to heal. I wanted more than anything to understand why this was happening so I could fully surrender to the process… something I was having a lot of trouble doing. I wanted to go deeper inside myself and see what I was really made of and why I had to experience this. And yes, I also wanted my old yoga practice back.
Through this process, my relative ease with the ‘acceptance of what is’ was turned upside down after the passing of time started to significantly heavy the burden of this chronic pain. How could I just sit back and ‘accept’ this any longer? I couldn’t. And yet… what choice did I have? My patience was pushed to the edge on a daily basis until I was forced into surrender via a puddle of self-pitying tears, knowing that tomorrow I would have to find the ability to start the process of acceptance all over again.
Eventually this emotional roller-coaster gave birth to a curiosity that lived outside the cycle. As the question of ‘why’ carved a bigger and wider path in my brain, I began the real work of consciously stepping outside my current perspective in order to understand the purpose… because I knew there was a purpose even though I could not see it with any clarity. And this desire to understand without all the attached emotion became the intention I now sit down with every time I go inward and meditate. I sit down with the intention of finding understanding, in whatever way that is going to be delivered to me.
Presently, at the culmination of much soul-searching and with more self-love and compassion than I have ever afforded myself before, acceptance has worked it’s way back to the front and center of my life, but it no longer holds the entire responsibility for my emotional and mental world-view.
I have always had an extremely strong belief that the universe is inherently perfect, that all things and all processes are not by accident, but with specific purpose… it just took me a long time to understand that I have an active role in the way the universe doles out those goods to me.
Yes, I still believe I will continue to get everything I need for my own growth, but I see now that participating in that exchange is of paramount importance. Asking the questions, pushing the limits of emotional resilience, surrendering to the physical limitations, acknowledging the darker internal places that have been ignored far too long, and most importantly asking for help from the unseen forces I know exist… these things are now the intention that highlights the beauty of my acceptance.
